


A Tenderness, Beyond

by calvinahobbes



Series: Asexual!Neal [1]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Asexuality, Established Relationship, Multi, Polyamory, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-10
Updated: 2010-08-10
Packaged: 2017-10-11 01:17:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/106676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calvinahobbes/pseuds/calvinahobbes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's as if Neal doesn't love with his body, but with his head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Tenderness, Beyond

**Author's Note:**

> I've been thinking about Neal and how he seems both kinky and asexual to me, and this happened. Peter POV. Title from "Marriage" by Denise Levertov, read it [here](http://calvinahobbes.dreamwidth.org/16960.html).

Neal is an odd creature. Peter should know, he's spent enough time studying him -- chasing him. And now it would seem he's caught him. There he is, anyway, right in Peter's own living room, sitting on Peter's own couch, talking animatedly with Peter's own wife, absentmindedly petting Peter's own dog.

It's not that Peter is jealous. That's unthinkable, really. The thing is, he can't possibly be jealous, because that beautiful man sitting across from him is also Peter's very own. And that part still brings him up short every once in a while, when he has the time to contemplate it, like tonight after a quiet dinner and a wrapped-up case.

At first it seemed to Peter that Neal didn't need very much at all from anyone. But then he began to pay attention, and it became obvious that that wasn't the case at all. Neal needs a lot, but mostly just of one thing: Attention. Sure, that attention comes in many forms, but what's important to Neal is to feel loved and wanted.

But this affection is different from the kind that Peter and Elizabeth share: Elizabeth feels loved and wanted through making love, through gestures (flowers, walking Satchmo, doing the dishes), through physical closeness, intimate conversation. All these are things Peter is eager to give, eager to experience with her and do for her.

Sometimes he feels despairingly inadequate in caring for Neal, in giving him the sort of attention he needs. Neal and Elizabeth have their own set of things that tie them together: common interests, deep conversation, hugs and kisses. Peter's used to falling back on physical affection to show how he feels: he touches and kisses and tastes and feels and listens. But Neal is different. Peter doesn't know quite how to describe it. It's as if Neal doesn't love with his body, but with his head.

Neal can enjoy touch. Sometimes he seeks it out, comes looking for a hug or a short sweet kiss. But most of the times he reminds Peter of a great big reserved cat; mostly he seems to endure touch, to either allow it or accept it, but he never revels in it. Every once in a while he'll go almost comically out of his way to avoid it. If he doesn't see it coming he'll sometimes freeze up completely, though it seems to Peter that the more comfortable he is around them, the more frequently he'll simply shrug them off if he doesn't want to be touched.

It pulls Peter up short, though. Touch is his number one way of showing affection. He feels that so much can be said with just the right touch, just the right kind of kiss. It's as if Neal has stripped him of his most used vocabulary and he needs to invent a whole new one.

He tries to say it more directly, but he's not smooth with words the way Neal is, or calm and secure with them the way Elizabeth is. Most of the time he feels silly, can never bring himself to say, "Your smile lights up the whole room" or "The way you look at me makes my heart grow three sizes." Instead he uses his voice. He thinks he's found a whole new register that he's never employed before. He's sort of amazed at first at how well it seems to work, how he can talk about work or bad coffee or paint and Neal's ears practically prick up and his whole face changes, his shoulders sag, his breathing sometimes changes.

Other times Peter will make sure to give Neal some small, specific assignment -- he'll send him to get coffee at work, or make him walk Satchmo. Once or twice he's thought about making him stand on one leg with a book on his head, but he never asks, because he knows Neal would do it, and that makes him slightly uncomfortable. Neal enjoys doing things for him, small measurable things as well as larger, complicated things that Peter isn't always sure he fully knows about. If Peter really wants to up the ante, which he rarely does because it makes Neal ridiculously moony-eyed, he thanks him afterward in that special voice that's just for them.

They don't have sex. At first Peter worries about it, thinks there should be a natural progression that just never occurs. He tries to let Neal know that he's welcome in their bed, but for many months Neal just says goodnight (sometimes with a kiss, sometimes a hug, sometimes just a wave from the door) and goes home. He asks Elizabeth about it, and she looks thoughtful for a long moment before she says, "I'm not sure that's something he wants."

Peter has been mulling this over for a long time, studying Neal even more carefully than ever before, and now as he watches Elizabeth and him talk he starts to realize that Neal is committed to this, to them, nonetheless. He looks and feels at home here with them. He's not distant or cold in any way: his love for them is very obvious and he treats them so differently from everyone else he knows. Neal doesn't need sex to prove love or feel loved, just like he doesn't need touch to feel noticed.

Peter takes a deep breath, catching Neal's eye, and makes a rare exception and tries to say exactly what he feels: "Why don't you sleep here tonight? Just sleep. I think we'd both like that." And he looks at Elizabeth who looks at Neal and nods.

Neal's smile lights up the whole room. Peter's heart grows three sizes.


End file.
